My Blog

!!!

2012-02-11T20:33:00.001-08:00

I fuking hate my job with a passion!! I can't stand a single minute of it!!! Shit!!! But unfortunately I get hungry and need a place to sleep. I fuking hate this shit!!

!!!

2012-02-11T20:29:00.001-08:00

I fuking hate my job with a passion!! I can't stand a single minute of it!!! Shit!!! But unfortunately I get hungry and need a place to sleep. I fuking hate this shit!!

Train Ride #3

2012-02-06T06:16:00.001-08:00

I will be back home, Pasadena, in a month or so. :D!!!! its great!! Finally I will feel what it feels like to be home. After over a year and a half of livin so far away in LB(while still working in dena) I will be home!!!! I can't wait. Don't fuck it up Miguel!!!!

I need this move back to dena!! The 2.5-3.5 hour commute on the train has been killin me slowly but surely!! :( I'm tired! Extremely tired!!! I even feel that this has aged me a bit hahahhahahaha.....(probably not).....(that's why I say I feel).....I'm so ready to be done with this long azz fuk commute!!!

I guess I can utilized the situation as a "reboot". A fresh start again?? Or have I had too many of those already???

Hmmmmm

Train Ride #2

2012-01-18T08:45:00.001-08:00

I don't know what it is about her that keeps me thinking of her all day and night? Everyday. Even after all this time that has passed by.

Train Ride #1

2012-01-17T21:03:00.001-08:00

So this is very random. But interesting, well, I think so. :/

As far back as I could remember always asking myself the same old question. I've never been able to give myself an answer. I always end up asking the same question after, any good situation that is no more, any kind of change, a friendship/relationship ends, and so on. You get the idea. Well, hopefully. If you have read some of my old stuff from the past couple years, you'd get what I'm refering to. If you havent , well, I don't know what to tell you. Anyways. Going forward.

I've had this question for a long time!! Finally I got the answer. I think. The sad part about it is that I wasn't even the one with this answer. It was my ex. Well it was probably unnecessary for me to state who but I threw it in there already. So I will just let it be. She has this under her About Me section on a social networking website. I'm not even going to start to think about why she would put that under her profiles' About Me section. IId end up pulling out every one of my hairs!!!

This is how it goes;

I Think the Only Reason Everyone Holds on to Memories So Tightly Is Because Memories Are the Only Things That Don't Change When Everything and Everyone Else Does.

Simply put. Easy. Direct to the point.

Just try not to catch yourself thinking to deep into this. Not like you would right? That's only something I would most likely be the one to think about it to that extent.

?

2012-01-09T01:10:00.001-08:00

Fuckkkkkkkkk.......it all makes sense now. It was so simple and easy to understand, yet i failed. Much time gone, all lost. What now?

Fuck!!!

2011-09-01T00:32:00.001-07:00

I can't stop thinking about her! I don't know the why I stay remenising about how we use to be. How I used to be. I think and think about it way too often. Its only hurting me, I know

I wish

2011-08-28T21:20:00.001-07:00

I wish I had tha one person that I could talk to. I have so much inside me that I want to talk, that I need to talk to someone about it. But I just can't seem to find anybody.

My return to the blog

2011-08-18T00:57:00.001-07:00

Hello

2010-03-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have to get over all that in the past. I am over the past. A lot has happened in my world in the last
couple of years. Many good and many bad. Somethings I regret, somethings I don't. My life in the past couple years has changed in many
different ways. A lot of people have come in and out of my life and world these past years, obviously. During the past couple years I have felt the happiest I have ever felt but I also have fallen in the deepest hole that I dug myself. I had it good already. But lost it to my desicions. I have fucked up a lot. But hey, it's in the past!!!! Right?

There's nothing I can do about it. It's done. Why keep thinking back on it? Nonsense right? And there's nothing you or anyone can do about the past. About a month ago I really looked at my last two years of my life.not a good picture at all. But all that there's for me to do is to take responsibility for my choices and just learn from it. Teach my self a few lessons. Lessons to better myself and the environment around me. I have had to change a few friends here and there.

For now I think it's best for me to focus on myself and get right with myself. I know I can get back up there again. I know I can build up my infrastructure back up strong again like it was before.

I'm about to turn 22 and still without an idea of what it is that I want to make of myself of my life. I find that to be a bit of a problem, dont you? Often i realize that i have gotten nowhere since high school. I dont have a car, i have a bike. I dont have a phone. I dont have any furniture or even a bed!!!! I dont have any belongings at all! I dont have anything to show

I will be independent once again. I will have things to show things that will make up my world my life.

Even though many people might think I need the support of someone else, but I'm defiant! Lol. I think it's best for me to go at this on my own. I got myself to where I'm at now. I made those desicions by myself. No one helped me make those desicions. It might be that much of a greater challenge to do it on my own but I'm willing to take on it. It can get interesting possibly.

2009-06-18T22:48:00.001-07:00

Well I don’t know why exactly im writing this but the points is that I am. I don’t know how to even start something like this off. Well im just going to write it just as I am thinking it. So I have been single since november, we are now in mid june. And I still cant accept the fact that my ex girlfriend left me to get with another guy. At least that’s how I see it, its only obvious.And the more fucked up part about it was that in the beginning she admitted to me that she had a little confusion about how she felt about me and him. It hurt me at the time but things were going so well that I didn’t want that to get in the way of everything we already had set together, relationship wise, so I just didn’t give it much attention. I don’t know why I decided to do that. I guess I just played a fool huh? I just think that I just love her, a lot. Too much probably!!!! Its all confusing to me. I have never felt like this for a girl.ok heres the thing ok: I really love itzel, and i know that you know that I know that everyone that knew about us knows that I respect her so much She just made me so happy all the time no matter what he said all those words to me that i never thought i would get the chance to have a girl say to me she made up for all those years that i hated myself the years that i hated my body my looks and shit like that She made me change my mind about all of that she made me think of myself in a positive way, for the first time in my life i thought some thing positive of myself i trusted her so much because she was convincing when she told me all of that stuff she convinced me when she told me that she loves me and she still tells me that, and at times i even believe it still but a part of me wants to just ignore that she even mentioned anything about loving me I really do see the situation that this is I handed her my heart and all she did was juggle with it and let it drop, and shatter into pieces i know that i dont deserve that i know that im worth much more than that but no one has proven that to me but her I really wish that i canreally forget about her in that way cuz to be honest with you i dont think that im ever going to stop talking to this girl I just wish i can do something to keep me from falling back into the same old situation you know what i mean?

2009-06-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. You dont have to tell me or even say it. It's been a long ass time since I have made an entry. It's all good now though since I'm here, right? So I have been unemployed since November 1st, 2008. Long story. I will talk about that some other time. But yesterday I got my job back!!!!! YAY!!!! I'm going to be working at Rubio's again. Only this time I will be going in as a shift leader. I will be working at store #60 Monrovia. I think I'm going to be starting at the end of this week or maybe until next week. I now live in Victorville, CA. Thats about an hour away from Pasadena. I have been living with my family. I will talk about that some other time too. I will be commuting to work every day(an hour drive). I cant move back to Pasadena since i have no money and no place to stay. I want to eventually make myself back to my hometown(thats Pasadena). but for now, im just going to stick it out here in Victorville with my family for a little while and save up some money to be able to get my own place again. Well hey, dawn is about to break and i havent slept. I think I should go do that. Later

2007-08-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

You know what? I never thought that i was going to come back to this blog ever again. but here i am, blogging. just for the record i am doing very well i go to school and im employed full time and everything is going good so far there are a few little things that im dealing with emotionally but i think im managing them to the best of my ability.

2006-08-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Here's some words I wrote, I wrote them in spanish so theres a translation to it:

Spanish
Lloramos por un amigo
Que se ha ido al paraiso
Para nunca regresar
Lo vamos a extrañar
Adios amigo, querido amigo

Nos deja un gran vacio
Que en el corazon lo sentimos
Que tan solo recordar
Los dias no volveran a ser los mismos
Querido amigo

Ha sido dificil aguantar
Este golpe al corazon
Como sorportar la realidad
Sobre todo este dolor

Este llanto es por un amigo que se fue
Que se nos ha adelantado en el camino
Y que Dios ha decidido tenerlo con el
Alla cantara como lo hizo ayer

Este llanto eses por un amigo que se fue
Que se nos ha adelantado en el camino
Y que Dios ha decidido tenerlo con el
Alla cantara como lo hizo ayer

Este llanto es por un amigo que se fue
Porque asi es la vida, asi es el destino
Cada triunfo, cada aplauso son suyos tambien
Y estas lagrimas son pensando en el

English
We cry for a friend
That has gone away to the paradise
To never return
We are going to miss him
Farewell friend, dear friend

It leaves to us a big gap
That in the heart we feel it
That just to remember
The days will not be the same again
Dear friend

It has been difficult to last
This blow to the heart
To stand the reality
Especially this pain

This crying is for a friend that went away
That has gone ahead us in the way
And that God has decided to have with Him
There he will sing as he did it yesterday

This crying is for a friend that went away
Because this way is the life, this way is the destination
Every victory, every applause are his
And these tears are thinking of him,
The friend that went away

2006-08-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

I am confused about what and how I'm feeling right now and the last couple of days. I'm just very lost and confused. I dont know why I do what I do, the good and the bad things. I havent fucked up. I havent had anything to drink (alcohol) since July 4, 2006. I also havent smoked pot since then. I havent cut my self in a coupld of days. It feel weird. But i just havent had the urge to do it. until tonight. Tonight I want to cut myself. I am going to cut my self tonight. Well I have to get ready for work so I have to go. Peace

2006-08-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks?????? I dont think that I have feelings for myself anymore. I never thought that I was going to end up this fucked up. I thought that by checking in to a hospital I was going to come out as a very happy new person, but I didnt. I came out as a completely different person. I treat myself different. I view myself different (In a bad way). I dont like one single thing about me anymore. I hate my body and the way it looks. I hate the decisions that i have made in my past and even the ones that I havent even made. I fell really sick. It sort of feels like if i have some kind of terminal disease. I feel weird. I dont want to be seen by anybody. I dont even want to see my self. I dont sleep right anymore, again. I dont eat that much. not because i want to starve myself is just that I just dont have an appetite for anything, not even cold water. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know who I am. But dont worry, I'm still taking my medication and stuff. But there have been a few nights when I still cut myself. But I'm afraid that if I tell anyone I'm going to get sent back to a mental hospital again. and i dont want to go back. But i think i just fucked up cuz I recently gave my therapist the link to my blog so hes going to read it and he will probably send me to the hospital. Guillermo, if you are reading this please dont send me back to the hospital. I want to get through this with out medication and with out having to be watched closely by someone 24/7. and many other people that know me are going to be reading this too. I'm always fucking this shit up. and yes im still going to post it.

2006-08-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

By Myself

Just by myself
too dark to see
you never will

Just by myself
the world outside;
it is not there
it does not care

I only have
my single blade
to comfort, to pierce
and ease the pain

The warm relief
sticky problems
I watch them flow

But still I return
the familiar home
I am here...
Alone
Just by myself

2006-08-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

I really miss my girls. I miss Cynthia, Cassandra, and Griselda. I only know where Griselda is at and shes the only one I have been in contact with all weekend. Cynthia got sent to a placement home in the valley but I have no idea where its at. Cassandra got sent to Juvenille Hall in Madera County (Thats in northern california) I really miss them and I'm starting to get kind of worried about Cynthia and Cassandra. The were suppose to send me a letter or call me as soon as they knew the address where they were going to be at or the number. But i Havent recieved a phone call or a letter from either of them. Hopefully I will get either a letter or a phone call from both of them this week. I miss them a lot.

2006-08-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

why does this have to be happening to me? Why do I have to be so weak? FUCK!!!! I hate this.

2006-08-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

Im very weird. I'm veryy different. I'm not how I use to be. I realized it today at work really bad. I dont laugh or even smile. I dont entertain people like I use to. I'm very quiet. I'm embarrased. I'm scared and nervous. I'm worried about everything. I'm far away from God. Meaning that right now he is out of my picture. I tried to leave it all up to Him, my life. But it either didnt work or I just wasnt patient enough. I dont believe in a God right now. I want to but its hard to do so after all the shit that I have been trough and seen or heard other people's lifes. I'm weak but at the same time I still believe that I'm strong. Its a weird feeling to have. It's a feeling of confusion and fear. I dont even know what to think about anymore.

P.S. by the way whos posted the 3 comments on my last post. I would really like to know who it is. you dont even have to give me your name, just tell me how I know you and how you know me. The whole anonymus thing gets me paranoid about whos reading this, and it limits the areas of what I write about on this blog.

2006-08-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

While my stay at Gateways Mental Hopital I met a lot of new people. The youngest person I met is 13 and the oldest 53. Before my 18th birthday I was satying in the adolescent unit. I'm going to tell you about the people that stood out to me the most or the people that I got along with very well. I was roomates with Brandon. He is 16 and a heroin addict. He was all skinny and in really bad shape. He go put in there because while him and his mom were driving on the freeway they got into an arguement and he tried to open the door to the car so he could jump out of it into the freeway, and hopefully die. He's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. Then there was Nicholas. He is also 16 years old and he's just fried. Too many drugs fried his brain so he was really messed up but he was a chill guy. He didnt bug anyone or cause problems. I got along with him very well, infact everyone did. He kept everyone laughing all the time. Now Cynthia. I really liked her, literally. I'm now dating her. She was in there for the same exact reasons I was in there. We connected very well specially the fact that we are both bisexuals. We talked a lot and then decided to give it a try. She's now getting sent to a placement home in the valley. Her childhood sucked. She has been in the foster care system her whole life and finally got adopted 6 years ago. Her adoptive mother decided that she too much for her so she went to go take Cynthia out of work and told her that she was going to take her to the emergency room. There the doctors saw all the scars she had from cutting her self and found drugs in her system. Griselda is 15. She's just fun to be with. She loves to love people and likes to recieve love from others. Her father always neglected her and there for she wanted to kill her self. She started doing drugs and then she got arrested and they found drugs in her system so they examined her some more and found all the scars around her body. And last but not least there's Cassandra. She 13 and a very beautiful lesbian. She has been in the foster care system her whole life and she got sent there because she was/is suicidal. She is going to be sent to Juvinille Hall up north. She is very beautiful both as a female and a male. and she has one of the most wonderful personalities. I love all these people to death. I know i dont know them but we all have one thing in common, we are all struggleling. We made a pact of life. We promised each other that we were not going to fuck up and do anything stupid such as doing drugs or cutting or even killing ourselves. We promised each other that we were going to stay in contact and that we were going to help each other out and beat this game of life. We are going to be there for each other no matter where we are at. We are going to stay in contact and hopefully live life together. Right now we all are each others life lines. I love every single on of them to death, literally.

2006-08-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

OK I'm finally back. Soon after my last post i was very depressed so I went to the ER and then from there they took to me to a mental Institution and i was in there until last wednesday and then i went to my moms house for a few days and then i came back to Pasadena and stayed at my sisters house for a couple of days and then I finally came home this morning. Im a different person now. I think that the world is good. I think I'm lucky to be alive. I was very suicidal when I went to the ER and when I got checkerd into the mental hospital but I met a lot of new people and talked with a lot of people. I'm on medication, even though I dont want to be on them. The medication makes me into a wholle different person. It makes me think about the good things not the bad ones. But I feel like it took my sense of humor away. I want to actually be alive now. I dont want to die. but i think that that was just during my stay at the mental hospital. I love life in a weird way. In a different way. but the good thing is that I love it and thats all I have to explain. I'm different. So dont expect to see the same old Miguel that I have been faking for many years. It almost feels like if I have been born again. I'm starting all over again. And i dont need any help with anything. I can do it on my own. I will do it on my own.

2006-07-05T02:47:00.000-07:00

Start The Machine

The ash set in then blew away
It’s getting lost into the sea
I grew so close to all the thoughts I had to leave forever
I left the chill and voice the screams in kids and ran for shelter

You know I won't say sorry
Do you know I won't say sorry?
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
Do you know what it's like to believe?
It makes me wanna scream

I see a glow from far away
A faint reflection on the sea
I left some words quite far from here to be a short reminder
I laid them out in stone in case they need to last forever

You know I won't say sorry
Do you know I won't say sorry?
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
Do you know what it's like to believe?
It makes me wanna scream

I see the stars they’re in your eyes
A playful kiss can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time
You lost your wish can I help you find it?
I'm on my knee, just one to start
A fresh new start to be undecided
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen (I will listen)

If love's a word, that you say, then say it, I will listen. Is it a word? Does it even exist? Everything makes me want to scream really loud and cry really loud and freely and not give a fuck of what people think about me, but its hard to do so. I really want to scream I cant even really tell you how bad i want to do so cuz i'm scared of the world and what it has in store for me and my future. Im scared to see what it has in store for my family and friends. Bthis is because im tired of losing people to death or just losing people. I can thold back on any of my emptions any more and it makes my heart hurt really bad and it makes my brain tired. I'm just reallly tired of life and the way it has been treating me. I'm crying as I write this and I cant take it anymore. cant sleep mcuh cuz i fucking cry all night. Everyday is just a burden adding to this life.

2006-07-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

Good Day

[Whispering:]
We don't need to whisper

I should have turned back
I should have known better
Than to walk away defeated
I'll say it tonight, I'll say it forever
And this time I really swear I mean it

Oh I need you now
The Earth fell fast asleep
This room is safe and sound
Will you lay here with me
And feel it..

I think I like today
I think its good
Its something I can't get my head around

True love is something that comes easy
Just one kiss god I swear I want to...
I heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat
Have you ever heard me scream I love you

Oh I need you now
The Earth fell fast asleep
This room is safe and sound
Will you lay here with me
And feel it..

I think I like today
I think it's good
Its something I can't get my head around [x2]

dadah da dah dah dadadah [x8]

I think I like today
I think it's good
Its something I can't get my head around [x6]

Once again, asking for Gods presence. Pleading for it!!! Has he ever heard me scream I love you to him? Did he ignore it? There has been many days that I feel like the day is going to be good, and for most of the day it is. But then I have to fuck it up at some point towards the end of the day. I'm always the one to fuck it up. I dont know why I do that or how I do it.

2006-07-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

The Gift

There’s a strangest excitement today
If you’re awake then you’re welcome to hear
I’ve got a gift and it blew me a way
From the far eastern sea straight to here
Oh God I feel like I’m in for it now
Its like the rush has gone straight to my brain
But my voice is as lonely as loud
As I whisper a joy of this pain

And suddenly
You’ve done it all
You won me over
In no time at all

And now I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

If you ask I will do what you say
All we have is this night to get through
With the cheeks to the smile you’re only
You left me all up in arms and confused
Oh God I feel like I’m in for it now
And how this kiss will be one roughly vague
I swear I’ll melt if you touch me at all
But then I’ll ask you to do it again, and again

And suddenly
You’ve done it all
You won me over
In no time at all

And now I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now

And now, I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear.

Make the world we know disappear.
Make the world we know disappear.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now

I think that this song is asking for Gods attention. Gods touch. My favorite line is As I wishper a joy of this pain. I have so much pain in me that all I can do is be happy with the pain that I have.

2006-07-05T02:33:00.000-07:00

The War

The ocean, is on fire
The sky turned dark again
As the boats came in
And the beaches
Stretched out with soldiers
With their arms and guns
It has just begun

Believe, you want this
Believe, I want this too

Why wont you tell me that
It's almost over
Why must this?
Tear my head
Inside out

And the houses
Laid out like targets
With the deafening sound
We watched them all go down
And the families
Now useless bodies
They lay still black and blue
A gift from us to you

Believe, you want this
Believe, I want this too

Why wont you tell me that
It's almost over
Why must this?
Tear my head
Inside out

Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh (Believe)
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh (Believe, you want this too)
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh

Why wont you tell me that
It's almost over
Why must this?
Tear my head
Inside out

Why wont you tell me that
It's almost over
Why must this?
Tear my head
Inside out

Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh

This song is just talking about the reality of our world today. Its sad, but true.

2006-07-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

A Little's Enough

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Just a little...)

This song is talking about God. The chorus is what God is saying, I think. Unfortunately I cant hear him telling me that. I want to hear that from him but I dont. I'm desperate for him right now. I want him to rescue me from even more deeper shit that I'm feeling now.

2006-07-05T02:25:00.000-07:00

The Adventure

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,
life's waiting to begin

This song is about The Adventure of life. Life is always going to be a struggle for everybody. But some people sometimes dont have people that can accompany them in The Adventure. Life's waiting to begin: I havent started my life, at least thats how I feel.

2006-07-05T02:21:00.000-07:00

Do It For Me Now

I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug
I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust
Like the time that we kissed, and you gave me a lie
To act off this scene you pretended to cry
But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is
Just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive

And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be O.K.
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now

I really had it with the rain and the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks from the shore with the bat in its hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch, but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I can most willing prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you

And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be OK
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now?

Now just hold on, hold on to me
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)

This song just helps me to forgive those who have broke my trust. People that have turned their back on me. I remember how close I have come to really fucking it all up but somehow I managed not to. I really dont know how I did it.

2006-07-05T02:18:00.000-07:00

It Hurts

It hurts... [x17]

Is this what you want
'Cause everybody acts without a clue
Every little kiss and grin you gave
Was just a little bullshit I saw through

The alcohol is scented with your breath
You're always all done up to just be used
I'm waiting for excuses that deceive
I'll meet you in the back to see them through

How did I let her inside
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

It hurts... [x17]

Are you out of your mind
You dug yourself into a liar’s hole
You made a little spark to live inside
It’s now a fucking fire out of control
When the morning comes you’ll act surprised
And when the word gets out it will get old
And every day you’ll try to live your life
And every little scandal will unfold

How did I let her inside
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

Sherrie, do you want it?
Sherrie, I want it too
Sherrie, do you want it?
Sherrie, I want it too

How did I let her inside
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your girlfriend

It hurts [x17]

(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts
(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts
(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts
(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts
(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts
(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)

This song is just very interesting.

2006-07-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

Distraction

I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction

There’s a field nearby
With words written in stone
My love will not die
Please let it be known
This place is dead
It echoes through town
There isn’t one voice
I haven’t heard a sound
The planes flew in
Their bombs did too
The city fell flat
The fires, they grew
When the smoke comes in
It’ll color this town
But I’ll still have you
So I’ll say it aloud

I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction

The friendship we made
Is a waste of our time
There’s no one left here
To show future that’s kind
It’s a world of hate
Gone incredibly wrong
We cared too late
We just followed along
And the boys went down
With their gun in their hand
Their weapon of choice
Their knees in the sand
If that field nearby
Was still there to be used
Would you ever have known?
Those words were for you

I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction

I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction
I’ll be your distraction

I’ll be, I’ll be yours
I’ll be, I’ll be yours
I’ll be, I’ll be yours
I’ll be, I’ll be yours

This song is just very true. Its a world of hate. We havent even started to care, but when we start to care it WILL be too late. This is a place of death, death thats, unfortunately, alive.

2006-07-05T02:08:00.000-07:00

Valkyrie Missile

[Spoken transmissions:]
Do you hear me out there I can hear you.
I got you I can hear you alright.
This is so strange,
I want to wish for something new,
This is the scariest thing I've ever done in my life,
Who do we think we are?
We're Angels and Airwaves?
Just hold on I got you.
I can see the sun coming up on the horizon

Everyone, everyone will listen
Even if it hurts sometimes
If you will come and hear the message
Everyone wants to learn to love again
Open up and come alive if you will
Can you hear my message?
Leave your pain on the bedroom floor again
Bring a smile to survive
And do you think that you have that in you
If you're here and you're all alone tonight
Then I'll give you a free ride
Take a chance cause I know you want to

If only you'll hold on, just hold on
I'm here and I'm with you
I'm here too, I feel you
We'll get through
I know this I've seen it
A hundred times a thousand times
Just one more time
With you and I, I'll pull you close
And then we'll say goodbye

I've got a lotta oh hell of a lot to say
Even if it hurts sometimes
And if you will come and hear the message
And everyone everyone will hope and pray
That the best will sure survive
And if it's true then you'll feel the message
A perfect life for a perfect brand new day
And we're the next in line
And do you think that you have that in you
So if you're here and you're curious tonight
Then I'll give you a free ride
Take a chance cause I know you want to

If only you'll hold on, just hold on
I'm here and I'm with you
I'm here too I feel you
We'll get through
I know this, I've seen it
A hundred times, a thousand times
Just one more time
With you and I, I'll pull you close
And then we'll say goodbye

[Spoken transmission:]
Who do you think we are?
We're Angels and Airwaves

The last two lines of the first spoken transmission are the most helpfull. Its self explanatory. This song just reminds me of how people are there for me no matter what.

2006-07-05T02:04:00.000-07:00

I just bought a new CD. Angels and Airwaves, We dont need to whisper. Its helping me a lot. I'm goig to post the lyrics to all of their songs and tell you how they are helping me.

2006-07-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

I feel really weird today. i dont even know how to describe it. I think I might just be getting old. I feell really really weird right now. I dont even know how to describe it. I think I might just be getting old......Oh crap, I already said that....seee thats how weird I feel right now.

2006-07-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

My weekends have been kind of crap these past couple of weeks. I'm not saying that I hate them its just that they have been crap. I used to work Friday, Saurday, and Sunday nights so i wasnt able to do anything for the whole weekend just because I would be too tired to do anything when I wasnt working and then the evenings I would go to work. I dont know, maybe I'm just being a little bitch about it and maybe I have to realize that its just going to get more and more complicated. Anyways, its Saturday July 1 3:20pm so now I have to go get ready to go to work for 6 hours tonight. I wont be getting off until 11-11:30pm depending on how busy we are and how much I have to clean up. Later

2006-06-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

I really feel like shit. Both physically and emotionally. Thats all you have to know.

2006-06-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

I think i have given up on everything (again). I'm tired of life, the world, of me, and did I mention that I'm really really tired of life? Well I am. Now all there is to do is to go smoke or have a couple of drinks to get things off my head. I started to drink a lot. Which is really funny because I hate alcohol. But I like the fact that it allows you to have fun and to forget about things or even helps me with looking at more positive things than negative ones.

2006-06-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yea yea yea...I finally got my first paycheck...oh yeah.....I feel so proud and Its almost like if I'm a man now......:)

"Holding Hands"

2006-06-20T01:46:00.000-07:00

Two Hands.
Two Hands loving each other..
Two Hands that are always apart.
Two Hands that are holding each other.
Two Hands together through all four seasons.
Two Hands holding each other.
Two Hands loving each other.
Two Hands missing each other.
Two Hands that are always together.
Two Hands that have traveled.
Two Hands in happiness.
Two Hands under water.
Two Hands in the sky.
Two Hands in sadness.
Two Hands that will forever be holding each other.
Two Hands living life.
Two Hands meeting.
Two Hands together.
Two Hands.

2006-06-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah!!!!!!! My first day at work is tommorow. I'm really looking foward to it. It sounds like a cool job and my boss, Paula, is tight!!!! Shes a very cool boss and the my shift manager, I think his name is Joe or something like that, looks kinda cool. I havent really talked to him besides today when I said "see you tommorow". Im really excited...hopefully i wont F*** it up....LOL....anyways I'm off to bed cuz i have to get some rest for my first day.....and by the way I'm going to be working from 5-10pm tommorow, saturday and Sunday....Bye

2006-06-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

Uuuhhrrrrggggg!!!!!!!! I can't sleep and i have to wake up early too. I hate it when this happens. I feel really tired and sleepy but i just can fall asleep. This sucks.

2006-06-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

So right now I know I'm going to be working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday from 5pm-10pm.........Hopefully I will be able to get more hours by next week.

2006-06-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

So my hair is back to its normal color. I just got a job so i had to dyed it back to be a little bit more proffesional.....even though I'm only working at Rubios...........You should stop by to visit sometime.....I dont know my schedule yet but I will let this blog know once I know too

2006-05-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

Heres a little slide show instead:

2006-05-25T20:38:00.000-07:00

Just a few pictures of my younger siblings.

2006-05-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Me, Katie, and Alex went to Santa Monica. We went swimming for a little bit in the beach and then we went up to the pier and we took these pictures in one of the many photo booths they have on the pier. I had a lot of fun yesterday. I think that thats the most fun i have had in a few weeks. (Ignore the I Love You's, we couldnt change the background the button was broken.)

2006-05-21T02:53:00.000-07:00

I got the ticket to the concert that i was talking about. This is something i have to look foward to. Im really excited about it. so yeah anyways...

2006-05-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

So I finally bought the tickets to this concert that I wanted to go for my birthday. The Fray and Augustana are going to be playing at the House of Blues-Sunset Strip on July 19 and 20. My birthday is on the 20th but they were sold out that night so I'm going to go with my good friend Katie on the 19th. I think it should be fun, I'm really looking foward to it.

2006-05-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

I found this picture online. The little boy has a real pink mohawk. It's awesome, I think. That little boy is not affraid to show it either. I really like it :)

2006-05-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

I really like this picture :).........Although my hair is not green any more, but it will be green again in a couple of weeks!!!

2006-05-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'm really thinking about getting my lip pierced. There are many reasons that I want to get one. One of the reasons is because i have been wanting one for a couple of years. Another reason is because of the satisfaction. You see when I got my tounge pierced last summer, I was going through a lot of stuff (secretly). I was in a situation where I hated the person that I was and how I looked. By me getting something "different" i felt better about myself. So I think that I want to get a lip piercing for that reason. I'm affraid that if I'm in this depression stage any longer I'm going to start hating my appearance. So anyways, what do you think? Let me know.

2006-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

So my hair is now Purple Passion. It's pretty dark so I dont think that its going to show right away, probably in a couple of days or a week. I will post pictures up once you can notice the color better.

2006-05-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

Jonzie and KT

Tenaya

Sam
Erin
Christina
Will
Daniel
AJ

Just a picture of all or my close friends. They are all very cool friends and I know that they are going to be there for me no matter what and they know that I am going to be there for them no matter what. This is a good thing

2006-05-08T04:35:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to this song for the past 4 hours, seriously. Click Play and listen to it. Its a very interesting song and the video is very "self relating"

Evanescence Lyrics

Evanescence Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

2006-05-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

Well I havent been able to sleep. I pretty much stayed up all night long and at any moment now the sun is going to rise and a new day is going to start. I'm really hoping that it would be a good day or let me say a better day than it has been for me for the last couple of weeks. I'm starting to do more and more stuff, but that doesnt mean that I'm happy or satisfied with my days. I really wish I could just have one really really very happy exciting day, just for once. I really miss having those kind of days. The kind that at the end of the day when you're laying on you're bed getting ready to go to bed you say, "I had a good day today, it was so good that nothing can possibly ruin my day tommorow" and then you go to bed and have a nice 7-8 hour sleep and then you wake up and have a cup of coffee and you go on with that day. I really miss that. I think I'm finally getting tired and I think that I might just go to sleep now, so instead of saying goodnight, allow me to say to you Good Morning!!!

A New Strategy?

2006-05-08T04:14:00.000-07:00

So I just thought of a new way to get my mind of off stuff. As you can see, hopefully, in this picture my hair is green. I was thinking that I could be really artistic and color my hair different colors, not all at once but every now and then. These are the colors i was thinking of: Orange, Purple, Yellow, Red, White, or maybe even Pink. What do you think? What color do you think I should do first? Please let me know

Confused

2006-05-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

I dont even know how I feel or what I feel anymore. I'm very confused about every little thing in this world. I have done or tried to do so many things to try to help myself out but it just doesnt work, I dont know what i have to do. I feel like just giving up and stop trying to fix myself and my life but at the same time I think to myself and I say, I have a long life ahead of me and a lot of people to live for so I'm just going to keep trying to find that one thing. Thats all.

Keeping Watch

2006-05-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

People that are are different start to look out at a very young age. I know right now I may be making no point at all but think about it. Who or what is this little boy looking at? Is he looking for someone or sees someone that he migh now but isnt sure? Is he looking at some person that is doing something strange? Or may be he just might be blocking the sunlight from hitting his eyes.

This little boys name is Jonathan. I took this picture about a year ago at the fall festival at one of my best friends church. If you look close enough you can see that he is holding something colorful, its an egg with confetti in it. He was looking at his friend so he could avoid being hit by one of his friends eggs. If you ask me, Jonathan was a very smart boy. He didnt get hit not one time by an egg. Instead, he got a lot of people with his eggs.........Just a thought. I wonder if he would be able to do the same as a preteen, a teenager, an adult, a senior citizen........Just a thought.

2006-05-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

What do you think this is? This is a very good picture to reflect with. At least it is for me. This is a picture of a tree near the coast in Santa Barbara, CA.

2006-05-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

This a picture of "Memory". Or is it?

2006-05-04T03:24:00.000-07:00

I found this article online and I was amazed at the focus of this whole thing. Why is the government so worried about the grammar and spelling of a teenagers suicide note instead of the suicide it self? I dont know, it might just be me, but let me know what you think about this article. I found it to be really offensive and sad. and I know that this is The Onion, but still, I'm sure that some of the things in this article are true.....

2006-05-04T03:09:00.000-07:00

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

2006-05-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

This is a bass. it plays music and does what you command it to do at anytime of the day. Sometimes I really wish that life could be like a bass. I mean you probably dont understand, thats ok. you have to really think about it in order to really understand this. The only down side to a bass is that it can get out of tune and it could be a pain in the ass to get it tuned again. In other words just substitute the bass for a life, my life.

Crawfish?

2006-05-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

Crawfish? Who eats this stuff? I did. it was actually pretty good. Especially the head. It was nice and tender and had a little sour taste to it. I think i ate too many though. I remember getting on the plane and wondering what was going to happen to me for eating so many. But hey they were really worth it, I would eat them again

2006-05-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

I dont know if I should agree or disagree with this, what do you think?

2006-05-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

Photography can really take your mind off of things. It's a form of reflection. You have the oppurtunity to take pictures of things that express what you're feeling. Here are a few of my "feelings":

2006-05-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

What happens when a boy really needs help?

What can a boy do when he is cutting himself and he really wants to stop but everyone in the house is asleep?

Where can the boy go?

What song can the boy sing? Listen to?

Who can the boy talk to?

Who does the boy want to talk to?

What is the boy thinking of?

Who can the boy trust?

What can the boy say?

Who can he say it to? How?

How long has the boy lasted?

What does the boy want?

The only answer to all these weird questions is.........

2006-04-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm Back and it was great :)

2006-04-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

Well I'm off to worship practice......see you awesome people later :)

2006-04-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

Fray, The Lyrics

Fray, The Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

2006-04-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

The True Story
By Miguel Luna

This is based on a true story. This is something that happened in the world that you live in. The world that is full of people of different kinds. People that do good things and people that do none at all. There are people that hurt others and people that help others. Just imagine being part of a family that is really big, a family that has many problems and at the same time many good things. Imagine having dinner with 11 of your siblings. Imagine being born into a really poor family. Imagine doing drugs at a very young age. Imagine hating your life and attempting suicide 13 times as a child and a teenager.

Imagine getting kicked out of school and having to do “extra” work in order to even get your high school diploma. Imagine not living with your mother after your 12^th birthday. Imagine waking up to a fight between your mother and your stepfather. Imagine being part of a homeless family, homeless for four months. Imagine wanting but not being able to have a father-son relationship with your father. Imagine running away for two weeks and sleeping under a bridge just a few blocks from your house. Imagine being mistreated by your family just because of your religion.

Imagine wanting to have a relationship with your little brothers but you can’t because you don’t live with or near them. Imagine feeling a pain in your heart that is really hard to tell people about but at the same time those people are getting affected by that pain. Imagine having your 5^th grade graduation party at your house and inviting all of your friends from school and having the cops pay a visit at the end of the party because of a fight that broke out. Imagine wanting to trust god and knowing that he loves you but having doubts about him all the time because of all of the crap in your life. Imagine thinking that everything in your life is perfect and then you are face with a new dilemma that brings back all of the bad things in your past.

This is a story of a person that has had a very interesting life experience. It starts of with the normal average Mexican-American family living in the United States. A family in which both parents migrated from Mexico to California and had little or no education. So the two future parents meet and want to make a family together around 1980. They have their 1^st child and then another and another and finally they have the child that this story is about and they have one last one together. By their 5^th child they decide to get divorced. All the children go with the mother and the father continues to work two jobs to pay all of the child support.

Don’t worry; everything is still very happy like. But then it gets to a rolling start. The mother starts to drink a lot and later becomes an alcoholic as well as the dad. All of the kids go to school and are really good students. The “child” is now in the 3^rd grade and loves to go to school and has a lot of friends. When Christmas comes around and the kid gets very excited to open what Santa Claus brought for him. He is happy with what he gets and then goes to bed. A few minutes later someone enters into this child’s room and wonders if it’s Santa paying him a visit. It turns out to be some guy that later touches the kid in a very inappropriate sexual matter. The next morning the kid wakes up and wonders if what had happened the night before was just a dream, so he keeps his mouth shut. Later on the kid finds out who that man was and knows that what the kid thought was a dream, wasn’t, it was reality. The child walks to the bathroom on the second floor of the home and starts to try to get the dirtiness off with something really sharp, the kid starts cutting himself.

Everything goes fine for this kid and the family until this kids 5^th grade year. The family moves to South Los Angeles. The child attends school and starts to struggle a little bit, but he makes it through ok. The kid got to experience a lot of good and bad things that year. This included drugs, first fight with mother, first thought of suicide, first crush, first musical, first spelling bee victory, first spanking, and first graduation. The boy also experienced the “3^rd grade event” again and he kept his mouth shut. As a result of this the kid along with another sibling wanted to move with their father, so they did. As they were moving out the kid realized that he really didn’t want to leave his mother. He cried for a long time before they actually left the home.

Everything started of well at the father’s home but just a few months after the children moved in the children hated it. They didn’t like the rules that the father had for them and the expectations. So less than a year after one of the kids moved back with their mother, it was the daughter. The son stayed for a couple of months more and then did the same thing that his sister did and move back with his mother who still lived in south L.A. by this time the boy was starting the 7^th grade and wasn’t happy to do so, he hated school with a passion.

Two weeks after the first day of school the boy went to the park with a couple of his friends that he had just met at school just to hang out. That was the first time that the boy drank alcohol. That was the next time that the boy smoked weed. Unfortunately, he started to like school because of this. He had the friends that he could get high and drunk with. He would lie to his mother about going to study with his friends. He never regretted doing any drugs or drinking a lot until the “3^rd grade event” happened again. He realized how stupid he had been to do all of those drugs and stuff. He started to hate himself again. And again he kept his mouth shut about getting molested by some random guy. He didn’t want his mother to find out because then she would have found out how much pot her son had been doing. He was also afraid that she wouldn’t believe him because he was always drunk or high.

The following weekend he spent the night at his friend’s house, along with a bunch of his friends. They all got drunk and high that night and a lot of things happened that night. That was the same night that the boy lost his virginity. It was the first time he shared stuff about his life with his friends, even though they were all high. This night led to really bad events in the boys and his friends’ lives. They all started to have more “sleep overs” and did even more drugs together. As a result of this most of the boys friends ended up death or in jail, mostly dead. They didn’t get killed by someone or something, they killed themselves. They committed suicide. They hate life just like the boy hated it and hated it even more every time he would find out that there were no more sleep overs at one of his friends house because they were no longer alive.

His female best friends all had killed themselves. The friends that he had sex with and did drugs with and had very close friendships with. Now he only had guy friends. In a way he felt lonely, he wanted affection, attention, and love from his friends but he didn’t say anything to his guy friends. Later on it came to be that his friend felt the same way. That’s when the boy discovered that he was not straight. That’s when he experimented with his sexuality. That’s when he became or faced the fact that he was a bisexual teenager.

He wanted to change the habits that e had built up that year. He wanted to be a different person. He was tired of fucking up all the time and losing friends to death all the time. So once again he decided he was going to move back with his father. But this time he wasn’t going to try to have a father-son relationship with his father, this time he was going to change himself. It was amazing. He stopped doing all of the drugs that he used to do with his friends and stopped making stupid decisions. This is around the time that he met God too, the time when the boy accepted God into his heart. The boy became a young Christian boy. He became very involved with the church and worked a lot with children.

Towards the end of his 8^th grade year he wanted to change a lot. He didn’t want to go into high school as a bisexual, he wanted to be straight. For this reason he didn’t tell anyone about his sexuality. He wanted to become the person that people would love to be friends with. Through this transition he started to have problems with his father and his father started to have problems with him. The boy started to hate his father, his life, his self, his family, and this world once again. He went back to the habits that he had run away form just a year before. He picked up tobacco this time and smoked lots of it. He smoked a lot of weed and did a lot of drinking. The only difference was that he did it all on his own. He didn’t have the friend to smoke or drink with and he really didn’t want to have those friends or any type of friends. This was because he was afraid to lose even more friends.

The boy started to fall back in his school work and a lot of other stuff too. He started cutting again and tried to commit suicide many times, again. He hated everything about him and his life. He turned to God for help but he didn’t have that much faith. He became really angry at God and at people that were trying to help him and be there for him. He didn’t want people to know anything about him so he would sneak out of his house at night and go walk around the city in the middle of the night trying to find way to end his life.

He was dealing with the fact that he had gotten molested many times and didn’t have the guts to say anything to anybody. The way he dealt with this was by cutting himself. He didn’t know what he wanted for himself. He didn’t know where he wanted to end up at. He didn’t know if he even wanted to live anymore. He didn’t know what to do. He was desperate for help but was afraid to ask for it just because he was afraid of what people were going to think about it him. He didn’t want to be the subject to a conversation. He didn’t want his family to know anything about what was going on with him.

For the next few years he was basically in a shit hole, a shit hole that he couldn’t get out of. He became a two faced person. He always acted like if he was the happiest person in the world and loved life like no one else did. He would go to school and have a lot of good close friends and then he would go home and cry and cut himself because he hated life but he hid it from people.

Despite all of this the now almost adult had a lot of fun experiences and knew what he wanted to be when he grew up and knew how he felt about life. It wasn’t a good feeling about but he knew what he felt. He moved out of his father’s home and moved with his oldest sister and her three children. He was doing well in school and all that good stuff but he still struggled with the fact that he was molested and a bisexual. He was still hiding this from all of his friends and most of his family.

Half of his family now became homeless. He stopped caring about school and started to fail every single one of his classes. He did smoke every now and then and he didn’t drink that much anymore. During this time he became, once again, really depressed and again wanted to end his life. He couldn’t deal with the fact that half of his family didn’t have a place to sleep. Fortunately they made it out of the homelessness and found a place to live and tried to start over. During this time the relationships between the mother and the older daughters became very bad. There was too much drama. This family just to be a family with problems and with good things, but now it was just a family of problems. There were no good things about the family, except for the fact they were alive.

Right after the mother had gotten a good paying job and started to buy a home and was starting to get happy, she got deported to Mexico. Everything falls apart again and the family becomes more and more apart. There’s a struggle to see how the children are going to get the food they need to survive and how expenses were going to get paid. After a few months the mother comes back home with out anything. She loses the home that was going to be hers and she gets evicted. So once again the family becomes homeless. By this time the boy was old enough to help the situation out. During the beginning of his senior year in high he stops going to school and starts working illegally at a department store to be able to support his family.

He worked there for a couple of weeks. Every pay check that he received from working there went directly to his mother so she could be able to buy food and any other supplies that she needed for his little brothers. Obviously because of this he was absent to school a lot. The boy felt that it was his duty to work to support his family especially when they were homeless. After a couple of months his mother found a place to live and the boy tried to go back to school, but he was, in a way, afraid to do so.

During all of this time the boy is living with a married couple that he has known for a couple of years. They take him in and let him stay there for a long time. The boy finally decides to tell the man that he lives with what has been going on and that he wanted to go back to school. So the man does everything he can to get him back into school and hopefully graduate. So the boy starts going to school again. He finds out that he will not be able to graduate that year. He starts to take a lot of classes to make as many as he can up.

The boy was just getting more stuff to deal with, stuff that mad him sad and angry at the same time. He wanted to do the right thing but he didn’t know that it was going to be that stressful, he wasn’t sure if that’s what he really wanted to do. He was confused about everything. At the same time that all of this is going on the boy gives up on hiding his sexuality from people and decides to tell people that he thinks should know, people that he thought cared about. It was very difficult for the boy to tell this to people and some people didn’t even believe him. He lost some friends because of it but he made a lot of new friends.

He gives up the fight with hiding a bunch of things from people and from himself. He no longer wants to hold his child hood memories inside of him. The memories that had made him want to commit suicide. The memories that made him hate this world, the memories that took friends away from him. He was ready to come face to face with all of the crap that he had allowed to build up inside of him. He was also ready to fix his life up. He was ready to want to graduate from high school. But this process came to be really hard for him.

The boy gets kicked out of his high school. He now has to decide what he wants to do. And then on top of that he starts to think about his childhood memories. He starts asking questions to himself, questions like, “Why did I stay quiet? How long do I plan to stay quiet for? Why did I allow it? Why did it have to happen to me? Why did I have to lose so many friends?” He couldn’t sleep or eat for days. He didn’t see a purpose to do so. The boy started to cut himself again and wanted to end his life. He sort of became a different person all together overnight. He thought that it was a good thing that he was dealing with his childhood memories so he wouldn’t have to deal with them as an adult. But the only the problem was that he wanted to do it all by himself. He didn’t want to do anything with anyone or didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything, he was hopeless.

You’re probably asking your self how I came up with a story like that or who was that little boy? You probably want to ask me how I know so much about this boy, why I know all of the details. The only answer that I have for those questions is “ME”. That little boys name is Miguel. You may be thinking right now, man you’re fucked up. It’s ok for you to think that, its understanding. But what’s your story?

What else is there to say?

What else is there to wonder about?

What else is there to ask?

What else is there to wish for?

Who else is there to wait for?

What else is there to think?

What else is there to do?

Nothing.

Note: Feedback is more than welcomed :)

2006-04-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

Camping is good. It gives you a chance to just kick back and relax for a couple of days. It gives you a chance to reflect on different stuff in the world and a cnahce to get to know yourself a little bit more. You can also reflect on what has been going on in your life. And all at the same time you get to enjoy nature with all of your best friends. and you get to make smores and eat a lot of junk food and you get to have very interesting conversations around the fire with your friends, conversations about life, the world, society, music, and us. I wouldnt mind being able to go camping at least once every two months.

2006-02-19T22:43:00.000-08:00

I know its been a while since i have updated....I apoligize to all my fans out there. So I'm going to be doing this internship this summer with Neghborhood Ministries in Phoenix, AZ. I'm reallly excited about it. I think that I am going to really enjoy it and learn a lot from it. I'm also going to this seminar called "Street Psalms". This is also in Phoenix. Its going to be held at the same place that I'm going to be doing my internship at. The first class is in March, the last weekend of March. It only cost $25, but i just have to get there, so its going to cost me more like $200 (Airline ticket and stuff). I know its alot of money but I willing to spend that much on this. And plus, when i go to this seminar at the end of March I will get to know the people in that are part of the ministry in Phoenix. This course is kind of intense. I have to do a lot of reading and I also have to write a lot. I have to read a total of atleast 1500 pages and for each book i read i have to write 2-3 page paper on it. and then at the end of the whole thing i have to write a 15-20 page paper. I already selected the books that i want to read (these are the books i decided to read) (there are 3 books that I am required to read and then we have to select our own from a list that they provide). That means that I have to buy them, and I looked at the prices on Amazon.com and came up to be about $100 (thats without shipping) so im also going to have to save money up for that. like i said, I'm really excited about this summer and this class that I'm going to be taking. I also get to travel a lot. So i promise I will keep you updated on that and other things too.

2006-01-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired.

2006-01-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

It has been a good couple of days. I have been blessed a lot by god these past few days. I could acutally feel his presence, for once. Thank you god. Thank you. I'm starting to feel happy. Thats a good thing. OK i have to go to sleep now :)

2006-01-23T07:42:00.000-08:00

It feels like if today is going to be a different day, a good day, a day that I'm going to love.

2006-01-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

This article was very encouraging to me. The title "Without Action" got my attention right away. Let me know what you think about the article.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7042

2006-01-18T23:38:00.000-08:00

This picture is so awesome. I really like my hair in this picture. I also really like how my eyes look, they look like if I have had too much starbucks. What do you think?

2006-01-15T00:27:00.000-08:00

I hate this depression.

2006-01-14T17:27:00.000-08:00

My Song Of The Week

Presence (My Hearts Desire)

I lift up my voice
to The King, The King of glory
I hold out my hands
to The One who is worthy
I long for Your presence
I long, Lord, I need Your touch

CHORUS:
come, oh Lord, and fill up my life
with the light of Your presence
this is my heart's desire
oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
this is my heart's desire

I long to be washed
in the well of Your mercy
I long to be warmed
by the fire of Your glory
I long for Your presence
I long for Your healing touch

CHORUS:
come oh Lord and fill up my life
with the light of Your presence
this is my heart's desire
oh Father, come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence
this is my heart's desire

it's my desire

(I wanna feel Your presence)
Lord, it's my desire
(I wanna feel Your presence)
Lord, You're my desire
(I wanna feel Your presence)
I wanna feel Your presence
I wanna feel Your presence
I wanna feel Your presence - Jesus

CHORUS:
come oh Lord and fill up my life
with the light of Your presence
this is my heart's desire (this is my heart's desire, oh...)
come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence (presence...)
this is my heart's desire (this is my heart's desire, oh...)

come oh Lord and fill up my life (fill up my life)
with the light of Your presence
this is my heart's desire (this is my heart's desire, oh...)
come and let Your spirit abide
I long for Your presence this is my heart's desire

it's my desire

Lord, You're my desire
Lord, You're my desire

2006-01-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

I really need something to do or somewhere to go to get my mind of off things.

2006-01-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

What can this picture represent? Who can it represent? Can it represent something or someone? Should it represent something or someone? What is this place? Do people live there? What are those people like? Should we even worry about whom lives there? Is it our responsibility to do that? Who are we asking these questions to? Are we even interested in this picture?

2006-01-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

This picture says "Happiness is not a destination...It's a method of travel"
Is this true? Or is it not? how can we answer either question? Can we? Should we? Do we have permission to answer either question? Is this how the road to happiness looks like?

2006-01-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

Answers

Why is there always some really stupid person around you?

why is there always someone really annoying near you?

Why are there questions all the time?

Why is everything not alright?

Is there going to be a time when everything is all alright?

Or is there always going to be problems?

Why ask these questions?

Can these questions get answered in the way i want them to get answered?

Do you know the way i want them to get answered?

Then, they can't be answered.

2006-01-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

I hate silence.

Silence makes you think about stuff you dont want to think about or about stuff thats difficult for you to think about.

Silence for a depressed person is like having the worst nightmare ever but you are awake.

Silence is the thing that keeps a depressed person depressed.

Silence is what triggers all of the tears that comes out ones body.

Silence is like getting a paper cut on your heart.

Silence is like hate.

I hate silence.

2006-01-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

This sucks. I have once again entered the stage that i really hate to be in. I am once again very drepressed, sad, angry, confused, and all that kind of stuff. Its kind of funny when it comes to "My Blog". I mean the las blog i had was full of bad entries (for those of you who ever read my old one, you know what I'm talking about). Thats the reason why I started a new one. I thought i was never going to have to submit an entrie like the ones i did in my old one. But i guess i was wrong. It's all kind of my fault, that I'm depressed. I always box things inside of me and I dont pay any attention to them for a long time. I hide everything from everybody, including myself. I dont deal with all my problems right when they come up. I just recieve them and toss them in the back of my mind to a point where i wont think about it but they are all still there, and i know that, i just dont want to admit that i have those problems to deal with. so for the past few days i have just been very sad and all that other stuff. I dont want to socialize with anyone, i get irritated at stupid stuff, if there is complete silence around me i just start to cry, i dont really want to do the things i regularly would do. i feel hopeless and useless most of the time. i dont care about anything or anyone, including myself.
There are many things that made me get like this, again. Here is a list of a few

Family problems

The past few months my family has gone through a lot. It has created this problamatic bubble around my whole family.

Family circumstances

The place where my family is at right this moment. the situation that i try to help but cant

Some friendships

SOme of the friendships that im in arent that good, but im stillin them and its making me really angry at those friends.

my father

How my father doesnt do anything about my families situation, how he ignores me and my little sister.

My past

When i say my past i mean all the way back to the 5th grade and on.

The mistakes i have made

All the mistakes i have made in my whole life, all the mistakes i could possibly remember. One of the big ones being leaving my mother.

my life now

Im not satisfied with where im at. i know i could do more, but its not happening.

the two people that I am

Im angry at the fact that i have been a two faced person for the longest time. i get rid of the negative one every now and then but it comes back to me a few days later.

I really wish that depression just wouldnt exist at all. I wish that you can just do something one time and never again be in danger of getting depressed.

2006-01-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

Song of the Week

How great is our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

2006-01-08T23:04:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures from Disneyland. i went yesterday, saturday jan 7 to be in the parade of dreams. I decided to hang out with some new folks so i spent the day with a four students from wilson middle school. they are AJ(Long brown hair and black Sweatshirt), William(Long black hair and black shirt&Sweatshirt),Olivia(Black sweatshirt and red shirt), Tenaya(Red sweat shirt). just incase you wanted to know or couldnt see me im the one with the bright shirt, i really like it. i got it for xmas from charlie, gaby, and jackie.

2005-12-29T17:18:00.000-08:00

My Song of the Week

Voice Of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

2005-12-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

My song of the week

Heart of Worship

When the music fades

All is stripped away

And I simply come

Longing just to bring something that's of worth

That will bless your heart

I'll bring you more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what you have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

And it's all about you

It's all about you, Jesus

I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it

When it's all about you

It's all about you, Jesus

King of endless worth

No one could express

How much you deserve

Though I'm weak and poor

All I have is yours

Every single breath

2005-12-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

Homelessness

Homelessness is a very hard thing to go through in life. A homeless family is bad. A big homeless family is even worse.

People think that everyone who is homeless is in that situation because they want to be in it. I mean I’m even admitting to it. I think badly of every single homeless person I have ever seen. I assume that they are there because they use drugs, because they are alcoholics, because they are criminals, because they don’t have a family. But then I asked myself these questions and my view on homeless people changed.

· Have they ever used drugs?

· Do they act drunk or look high?

· Do they steal your money instead of asking for it?

· Did they just appear out of nowhere?

· Where they born homeless?

· Do they want to be homeless?

· Do they regret the mistake, if any, they made that got them there?

Now, I’m not saying that every single homeless person doesn’t do any of those things, instead I’m asking you why you don’t ask yourself self these or some questions before you judge. I mean your not even suppose to judge people in the first place and you’re suppose to love the person next to you, at the park, in the bus, at school, at work, at home, in your community, at church, at a theme park, in the library, at the mall, on the news, on TV, and any other random places.

You don’t even have to ask yourself questions about them, ask questions about yourself. Ask yourself what you would do if you were homeless; ask yourself if you would go around asking people for money knowing that they are going to think that you use drugs and stuff. Would you have the guts to go to a church with the fear of not being accepted because you’re dirty, you’re homeless, because you don’t even have a wallet, because you would have to bring everything that you own into the church with you.

According to the god that I believe in we have to love everyone, we have to help others; we have to be open about who and what we think of people. According to god we have to accept anyone in his house, a church, yet you see a lot of homeless people right around the corner of one of the local churches. You see the same person all week on the corner and you see them on Sunday, right after church and you pass them by with out saying “Hi” with out even looking at them, without going near them, without acknowledging them in a my way. Remember this is right after church and you have seen them go through the same thing all week.

Why do some people ignore the fact that there are many homeless people, families, right around you? Why does a homeless person have to be pushing a shopping cart with a bunch of recyclables, why do they have to have a cigarette in their mouth, or a can of beer in their hand? Why do they have to be a person that you have to question? Why does it take them to sleep in the street for use to THINK about giving them a hand? We just think a bout it and not do it?

Just think about what it really means to be homeless, what the real definition of homeless is. Is there a definite definition? Why is there a definition to a human being, yes, a human just like you and me? A human that has a heart and a mind, a human that needs water and food and a shelter to live.

One last question, why did I even have to write this to get people to think about it? Why did I have to bring it up when it’s an issue for everyone? Homelessness is EVERYONES problem. I dare you to go and try to fix, I dare you.

2005-12-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

My Life Changing Experience

This past weekend i went to winter camp with my church at Forest Home in Forest Falls, Ca. It was a very interesting experience. First of all I had a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my weekend up in camp. But the main event that took place was my new relationship with god, yes god. I already had a relationship with him and have had one for the last 4 years or so. Meaning I already had accepted god into my life and let him do what ever he wanted of me. I realized what it meant to give my life to god and let him do what he wanted but I didn’t realize that it was going to be really difficult to do that. But I didn’t really deal with it for the past couple of years.

I knew that there was a purpose for me to go up there for the weekend, but I didn’t know what it exactly was. During one of the meetings Jeff and Albert, the two high school pastors, were talking about what and who we are when it comes to god and what and who we are when it comes to life in this world. I started to think about it and I realized that I have been living like the second son, the son who ran away from his father to live the life we wanted to live on his own. Deep inside of me I convicted my self of being really 100% FAKE. I had two personalities. I had two mental lists of people that I knew, a god list and a non-god list. Meaning the people on my non-god list didn’t see that I believed in god or the faith that I had in him or any of my very interesting experiences I had in my Christianity. I acted beyond the way the second son acted around the people on this list. The people on my god list saw the great faith that I had in god and they knew all of the great stuff that god had done for me and people that I know over the years.

Now, I’m not saying that my Christianity was fake I’m just saying that I didn’t fully dedicate myself to god. I limited myself to god, I didn’t let him take fully control of my life and I don’t think that I wanted at the time. I knew what I was doing and I didn’t want to change anything because I was living my life the way I wanted to live it, a life without god, being there 100%. I think that that’s why I had so much guilt that night. I think that why I had so much emotions that night. I think that’s why I had trouble knowing that god did forgive me for not letting him be my father. I think that’s why I didn’t want to leave that room without knowing that god had forgiven me and that he knew all along what I was doing and that even though I didn’t fully give my life to him he was still there to protect me and that he still loved me as he does know.

So that night I made a commitment to fully live a life of god, to fully let god control my life, to fully love god, to fully know that god does love me and wants the best for me. That mental list that I had before doesn’t exist. Now, every single person that knows me or every person that I know will know what kind of person I am, a person of god.

2005-12-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

HI!!!!!!!!!